


if i go, i'm goin' (let my darlin' take me there)

by ThatOneFan



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, First Meetings, Friends to Lovers, Lesbian Kairi (Kingdom Hearts), Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Naminé & Riku Friendship (Kingdom Hearts), Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post-Kingdom Hearts III, its hinted and very heavily implied thank you very much !!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:21:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27135853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatOneFan/pseuds/ThatOneFan
Summary: It's nearly impossible for Riku to remember a time when he hasn't been hopelessly in love with Sora, hard to remember a thing he hadn't done for him, the good and the bad.Or, a lifetime of love, captured in snapshots.
Relationships: Riku/Sora (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 58





	if i go, i'm goin' (let my darlin' take me there)

**Author's Note:**

> soriku fandom where you at. so i recently fell into the kingdom hearts rabbit hole and was thinking about them 'cause i finished 3d the other day so naturally it's fic time. have some horribly cliche soriku fic written and vaguely edited by yours truly.
> 
> also i have a disease where it makes me write father characters based off my own cool and awesome dad.
> 
> title from 'if i go, i'm goin' by gregory alan isakov

* * *

_5 and 4_

It's midday, and Riku is combing the beach for shells again. It's pretty much the only activity for a kid on an island without many friends to play with. He contents himself with picking up every shell he finds and turning it over and over in his little hands. It's lonely here, but less lonely than it is at home. The distant sound of laughter down the beach is carried by the wind, and he looks on towards the rowdy group almost longingly. He's caught by surprise when a boy with hair going every direction _crashes_ into him in a bout of giggles, knocking him flat on his back into the shallow waves. The conch shell in his hand is abandoned, lost by the waves now, and he looks at the boy with a mixture of shock and annoyance. He'd been planning to bring it home and give it to his mother, but now it was gone. The brown haired boy quickly scrambles off of him, holding out his hand for Riku to take. Hesitantly, he accepts, letting the boy pull him out of the surf. His eyes, Riku thinks, are the same color of the water, like the blue ocean. His smile is so bright, Riku feels like he's staring into the sun, and this sunshine boy _hasn't let go of his hand_.

"Hiya !! My name's Sora !!"

Riku's almost too stunned to remember to return the greeting, stammering slightly when he speaks, unable to look away from him.

"I'm Riku."

The boy with eyes like the sea, _Sora_ , giggles again, and Riku isn't quite sure what to make of the warm, fluttery feeling that sits in his chest now. It's nice, he doesn't think he'd mind it if Sora kept holding his hand for a while. His hands are warm, even if they're both _drenched_ by now. He tilts his head curiously, and Riku's heart beats a little bit faster in his chest, and he finally tears his gaze away, looking down at the sand and the sea brushing over their toes now. Sora speaks again, but Riku isn't really listening at the moment, until Sora says his name, and he picks his head up.

"Huh ??"

Sora only smiles and laughs, shaking his head. He's still holding Riku's hand.

"I said, what're doing all by yourself. D'ya wanna come play with us ??"

He looks to the group of children on the far side of the island now, waving at Sora and Riku now. He's not good at socializing with other kids, he's shy and....what was that word his mom used ?? _Abrasive_. Right. He didn't make a very good effort to make friends with any of the other kids, and he didn't speak much to the adults either, but they liked him well enough. Called him _mature_ and _polite_. But Sora seemed to think he was alright, and was waiting patiently for his answer. The group of them seems so overwhelming right now, so he shakes his head, looking back down at the tides.

"I was...looking for seashells."

Sora's smile never fades, and he bends down at grabs the shell Riku thought he'd lost earlier, sitting right in the tides at their feet.

"Then let's look together !! We'll find the bestest ones !!"

This time, it's _Riku_ who laughs, and Sora grins, too. They walks down the shore, digging through the sand and the shallows for, as Sora put it, the _bestest_ shells. They're out until the sun sets, until Sora's father comes to get him from the play island, and he offers Riku a ride home as well. He climbs into the boat, and they show off the shells they'd found, Sora talking excitedly about each and everyone, proclaiming that he found them with _Riku, my new best friend !!_ Riku picks his head up, his little cheeks pink in the night. And he smiles, he's never had a best friend before. They're still holding hands as Sora's father comments on each and every shell Sora holds up, but all Riku can see is _Sora_.

When they dock, he presses the conch shell into the younger boy's hand, who looks at him with those gentle blue eyes, head tilted softly.

"It's a gift. Friends do that."

Sora all but flings himself at Riku, little arms wrapping around his shoulders in a flurry of giggles. Riku stumbles back slightly, huffing at the sudden weight launched at him, but he doesn't hide the smile on his face as he wraps his arms around Sora in return, and hears Sora's father chuckling in the background.

"C'mon, kiddo, your mom's got dinner waiting. Wanna show her that pretty shell Riku gave you ??"

Sora untangles himself from Riku, who watches him go with a soft smile, waving goodbye as Sora walks home with his father, the boy's last words ringing in his ears as he walks home to a dark house, his parents likely already asleep. That was fine, he was used to it. And now, he was warm, walking in the door and locking it behind him.

_Let's play together tomorrow, okay ??_

* * *

_8 and 7_

Three years later, there's an awful storm that hits the islands. Enough to churn the sea into something dark and terrible, and they are not allowed to go out to the play island until it passes. But the fishermen still have work to do, so they leave. Many of them, sadly, don't come back.

Sora's father is one of them.

Riku finds him crying down at the little pier where the boats are docked, usually the ones they take to the play island. His knees are pulled up to his chest, and Riku can tell without needing to see that he's still crying. It makes something in his chest tighten painfully, the idea that he's helpless to do much of _anything_ make his best friend feel better. So instead, he sits next to him, and he's quiet, and he waits for Sora to come to him, just like always. And Sora does, with snot and tears that are surely ruining his shirt. But Sora needs him, that's all that matters. Riku cards his hand through Sora's hair until the last tears make their way down his face. Heartache makes his chest tighten, and Riku feels his own eyes water. He won't cry, he _can't_ cry. He waits for Sora to lean back from his shoulder, looking at him with puffy eyes and red cheeks, and all Riku can do is take his hands tightly in his own as he stands.

"C'mon, let's go home."

Riku leads him along the path back to Sora's house, and Sora's mother runs out to the porch to greet them. He squeezes Sora's hand tight, and it's warm in his own, and soon replaced by a mug of hot chocolate as they sit shoulder to shoulder under a blanket watching some cartoon movie Sora's mother had put on. Riku laughs, but he's not really watching the movie, he's watching the way Sora lights up with that thousand-watt smile and grins. His empty mug is disregarded and Sora _beams_ at him, not noticing the pink in Riku's cheeks as he throws his arms around him.

"Riku !! You should spend the night !!"

From behind them, Sora's mother laughs, leaning against the wall as she speaks.

"I think Riku needs to ask his parents, sweetheart."

Riku nods, letting the blanket fall from around his shoulders as he stands, carrying his own empty mug into the kitchen. It's placed in the sink alongside a few other dishes as Sora's mother hands him the phone. From memory, he dials his mother's work number, waiting for her to pick up. He holds the phone in both hands and glances over to Sora, who bounds over ad throws his small arms around him again, cheek smushed into Riku's shoulder. He's so _enraptured_ by Sora, he almost doesn't notice that his mother answered the phone, or that she's about to hang up.

"Mom ?? Is it okay if I spend the night at Sora's house ??"

He listens to the sound of background noise as his mother wraps up another conversation, typing something up as she lets him wait for her answer. Riku's eyes drift back to Sora, who giggles with a smile on his face, smushed slightly by his cheek on Riku's shoulder. After another few moments of silence on the other end, his mother agrees, and he smiles when she hangs up, noticing ( as if he wasn't hyperaware of it ) that Sora was still hanging off of him, much to the amusement of Sora's mother.

"Why don't you two go play while I finish dinner ??"

Sora wastes no time in dragging Riku upstairs to his room, much to the surprise of Riku. But he's decided, if Sora's the one leading, he's more than content to follow. Sora's room is where they find themselves again, huddled under blankets in Sora's bed, the boy gone suspiciously quiet. Before Riku can even ask what's wrong, Sora's wrapped himself around Riku, face pressed into his shoulder with a whimper. All Riku can do is hold him, shutting his own eyes tightly, trying not to cry himself.

As Sora falls asleep, his steady breathing against Riku's neck, Riku promises to himself that he won't ever leave Sora's side, he won't let anything hurt him again.

* * *

_15 and 14_

"Let's take the raft and go, just the two of us !!"

As soon as he hears that, Riku's pretty sure he feels his heart stop in his chest, feels it sink like a rock in his stomach. Would they really leave him behind ?? Was _Kairi_ so much more important to Sora than all the years they'd been friends ?? Something makes his blood _boil_ , he isn't sure whether to see red or _green_. His fists clench at his sides, and absently, something darker swirls around his heart, coils like a snake and _constricts_. It's hard to breathe, so he turns on his heel in the sand, and he walks away from the boy he was _foolish_ enough to believe could be his. He should've known better, but he's always been blinded by Sora. He was _too_ blind. Jaw set, Riku crosses the bridge to the smaller island, climbing the tree to grab a yellow paopu from the branch, walking back just in time for his blood to run cold at the sight of Sora. Smoothly, he tosses the paopu towards him, voice cold and the smirk on his face even colder.

"Here. You wanted to share one with Kairi, right ??"

His voice comes out bitter, harsh, words soaked in venom he never thought he could direct towards _Sora_ of all people, and behind his cruel facade, a part of him cringes. Ever since they got older, things had changed between them. _She_ had changed things between them, and now Riku loved a boy who wouldn't spare him a glance ever again. A sick part of him laughs at the way Sora flounders at his question, but turns his back before he can spend too long admiring the way a flush paints itself over Sora's cheeks, or feel the way the boy's blue eyes trail him.

There was a storm, seven years ago that stole Sora's father, and Riku comforted him through the night.

The next time they meet, Riku is the storm, he is the one making the skies purple and the winds rage to turn the sea into another monster. He stares at the purple sky, darkness binding his feet to the ground as he waits, and watches his home fall to pieces, disappearing right before his eyes. He almost feels regret, wonders what might happen to his family, what would happen to _Sora's_ family, who felt more like a family to Riku than his own parents.

"The door is open, Sora. Now, we can go to the other worlds !!"

Riku raises his voice to be heard above the storm, and extends his hand to Sora. _Come with me_ , he wants to say, wants to beg and scream it above the storm. _Come with me, it'll be just the two of us again, **I won't let you leave me behind-**_

"What are you talking about ?? We need to find Kairi !!"

Riku _flinches_ , but his hand remains outstretched to Sora. He wants, he _wants_ Sora to take his hand, and he watches his best friend struggle to reach him, though darkness ties his feet down as well. His arm stretches forward just a little more, trying _desperately_ to reach Sora once again. _Come with me, pick me, not her. We can go anywhere you want_.

He doesn't suppress the shiver when Sora's fingers brush against his own. Just a little more, just a little farther and-

A flash of light, and suddenly Sora's holding a weapon Riku thought he'd only dreamed of, the name sitting on his tongue and the back of his throat like a solid rock. _Keyblade_. Riku's eyes narrow, and his hand falls to the side, and the last time he sees his best friend ( are they even friends anymore ) is bewildered, watching him disappear.

He wakes up in the remnants of a broken world, bile in his throat and a pain in his heart unlike he'd ever felt before. Where were his friends ?? His home ?? Had he destroyed his island, the home he loved ?? Where had his friends ended up ?? Had they made it out ??

_Did he kill them ??_

A disgusting, shuddering sob leaves Riku's throat, and he drops to his knees again, gloved hand pressed to his mouth, though he doubted anyone ( was he alone here ?? ) could hear his sobs above the roar of the falls around him. His shoulders shake, he shuts his eyes tightly against the burning tears that fall no matter how he fights them, and with violent, ugly, sobs, Riku lets himself _break_ , lets himself _feel_. No one will find him here.

Worlds away, Sora wakes in an unfamiliar alleyway, wondering the same thing without even knowing it. He remembers Riku reaching for him, remembers trying to reach him too, remembers the weapon appearing in a flash of light, remembers the _darkness_ , remembers the islands splintering apart. In another part of town, he makes a promise that no matter what, he'll bring his friends home, he'll bring _Riku_ home.

* * *

"Let the Keyblade choose....its true master !!"

Riku holds out his hand, and pulls with all of his heart, and with a flash of light, the keyblade disappears from Sora's hand, and reappears in his own. The sudden weight throws him off, and for a moment, Riku feels _twisted_ pride in his chest. Finally, _finally_ , something in this world chose him. He grins, wrapping his hand tightly around the hilt of the weapon he'd acquired ( _stolen_ , says the unhelpful part of his brain ), and _scoffs_.

"I'm the one who fought my way here with the Keyblade !!"

And then he looks up, and for a moment, Riku feels sick to his stomach. He pushes it down, letting a cruel smile fall over his face. The expression on Sora's face is more than he can bare to see. So he turns his back again, tossing a wooden sword to him that stops just inches before where Sora fell to his knees. Distantly, Riku's heart twists, and he's certain Sora must be crying. Hadn't he promised that he wouldn't ever let anything make Sora cry again ??

He'd broken that, right along with every other promise they ever made. _He started it. He was the one who was going to leave me behind first. Some kind of **best friend** he was_.

"Here. Go play hero with this."

The tell-tale hitch in Sora's breathing that Riku knows all too well, he can close his eyes and see the tears that Sora's trying not to let fall. He knows they fall anyways, can see his hands shake as if Riku were looking right at him. It twists in his chest, making it harder to breathe as he walks away, the keyblade feeling suddenly _much_ heavier in his hand. Footsteps follow him, and he hardly spares them a glance. The keyblade, and Sora's friends as well, belonged to him now. This place was crawling with heartless, and he'd stolen Sora's only means of fighting back against them.

_Just how low had he truly sunk since leaving ??_

But there's no use in dwelling on those kinds of thoughts right now, not as he makes his way further into the castle with Donald and Goofy following him. He feels so anxious, so restless now, just shy of pacing the floors. He has the keyblade, what was rightfully his before it had fallen into Sora's hands, so why did it feel so _wrong_ for him to have it ?? Hadn't the keyblade chosen him, as it was meant to ?? Wasn't it fair, wasn't it _right_ ?? But then Riku's thoughts turn to Sora, so small but still so strong. Sora, his best friend. Sora, who he promised to protect. Sora, who he'd left defenseless and brokenhearted. Sora, who he-

 _**No.** _ _It was pointless to think about that right now._

Yes, lingering on whatever conflicting feelings he was having wouldn't make him feel any better, wouldn't make this _ache_ in his chest go away. Because it _never_ went away, had been there for as long as he could remember, had woven itself into the very fiber of his being. A part of Riku knows what that ache meant when it formed, what it _still_ means that it exists even now, that the thought of being the one to hurt Sora brings him so much pain. But he refuses to admit it, Riku refuses to spend any more time loving a boy that was never meant to be his. He wants to throw the keyblade off of the falls, watch it sink into the water, cast his heart away along with it. But he doesn't. He can't. It's what he wanted, after all.

Sora's footsteps, and that of the Beast's as well, echo out in the large hallway, coming face to face with a much more resolute image of his best friend. This new Sora stands up tall, carries his wooden sword with _pride_ , the kind that twists Riku's stomach and confuses him. Was Sora going to defeat him with that _sad_ little trinket he held now, close to breaking with wear and tear ?? The idea makes him want to laugh. _He's_ the true keyblade master now, isn't he ?? But then Sora speaks, words full of conviction, and it throws a wrench in Riku's ideals.

_I don't need a weapon. My friends are my power._

The keyblade disappears from his hand, and along with it, the breath from Riku's lungs. Hadn't he proven himself worthy ?? Hadn't the strength of his heart pulled the keyblade back to his side ?? Wasn't he strong enough, good enough, _worthy_ enough to wield it ?? All those years ago, someone had thought him so, but apparently he'd been mistaken. Flustered, heart pounding _sickeningly_ hard in his chest, Riku panics, looking around the room, looking at Sora.

And before anything else can be said, Riku runs deeper into the castle, shame bubbling up in his chest and making his eyes water. How could he lose, after he'd come so far, become so much _stronger_ ?? He _was_ stronger, wasn't he ?? So how had the keyblade once again come to choose _Sora_ over him ??

_Your heart was weaker than his, if only for a moment._

Weak ?? No, no he wouldn't be weak. He was _not_ weak. Riku had fought too hard and lost too much to still be weak.

He would be strong, stronger than Sora, stronger than _anyone_ else. No matter the cost.

* * *

The door to darkness. King Mickey said it had to be closed, that _Sora_ was on the other side. Sora needed his help to close the door but how could he _bare_ to look him in the eye after everything he'd done, after how he'd been hurt by Riku ?? The thought churned his stomach more than the darkness he was surrounded by. But Sora _needed_ him. Nothing else mattered. And if being stuck in the darkness was the only way to repair the hurt he'd caused, well, Riku could think of a few worse punishments for his sins. The door itself is tall, much taller than he was expecting, and beautiful. It was beautiful in the same way the sea was calm before a storm. It contrasted starkly with the world around them now, and he can hear Sora, see him through the crack in the door, and it spurs him forward.

He has to help.

"Don't give up, Sora. Together, we can do this."

At the sound of his voice, Sora looks up, and Riku watches his resolve become firm again. RIku's own resolve becomes firm, and he nods, using all his strength to pull the door towards him. The doors start moving, and through the crack in the door, he smiles at Sora, unable to stop the tears from rolling down his face now. His smile is warm, kind, and for a moment, he watches Sora's face shift as he speaks, watching the doors close, separating him from his best friend, no, his best _friends_.

"Take care of her."

He tries, Riku tries so hard not to let his voice crack, not let it show just how much he was hurting. It didn't matter if he was hurt, so long as Sora and Kairi would be safe. That was enough, that would _have_ to be enough to make up for all his mistakes now. That doesn't ease the pain in his chest at the sight of Sora disappearing behind a closing door, looking like he wanted nothing more than to pull Riku through it at the last second. He laughs, a dry, aching sound, with all the heartache he has in him. For a moment, he can believe Sora wanted to save him too, that Sora _loved_ him, too. But that's alright. Riku loves him enough to die for him, to stay here for him, in the dark, to give up the rest of his life for him. He looks around, briefly, at his unchanging surroundings, and aches at the lack of light. The light is on the other side, _his_ light is on the other side.

_There will always be a door to the light._

One day. One day, he'll find his way out of here, be it by clawing or by fighting, and return to the light, to Sora's side.

It wasn't a promise this time, it was an oath.

* * *

_16 and 15_

Sora's still asleep, Riku knows this for a fact. He drops by the Old Mansion every so often to see him, although he doubts Sora would recognize him now. Shame wells up in his chest, making it tighten. He wants to cry, how could he have allowed himself to do this ?? He was so _desperate_ to have Sora back that he allowed himself to become a vessel for darkness, a vessel for _him_. One shaking hand is placed against the pod where Sora lies, sleeping just as peaceful as the day he'd gone in. Piece by piece, painstakingly slow, Namine, the memory witch, had begun piecing Sora's memories back together, unchaining them and linking them again. He knew it wasn't her fault, he didn't blame her for what she'd been forced to do here. He'd told her as such, and all she'd given him was a sad smile. He wonders, then, if she blames _herself_ for being controlled.

They spoke fairly often, Riku was here more often than not. If he wasn't playing _errand-boy_ for DiZ's virtual Twilight Town, he was here, with her, sitting in the silence of the white room as Namine sketched, the scratch of her pencil the only sound besides his breathing. Sometimes they talked, other times they didn't. Today, nothing had to be said, not after their _last_ conversation.

_You love him, don't you ??_

Her question had caught Riku so off-guard, he'd nearly tripped over his own feet. Sure, if he really looked like himself, it would probably be plain to see on his face. But he doesn't. Doesn't change the fact that she can probably see his heart, and knows exactly where he is if he's not in this room or in the other Twilight Town. He's where he should've been, by Sora's side. His heart aches, and one hand rubs at his chest just above it before he answers her.

"With everything I am."

He wants to cry, it doesn't _sound_ like him speaking, and _he_ should never be saying that. But Riku loves Sora, he always has, always will. But, Riku thinks bitterly, Sora will never be his. If there was a chance Sora might love him, he's ruined it now. Not that there ever _was_ that chance, but...sometimes, when he watched Sora sleep, he liked to think that maybe, when he woke up, maybe Sora would want to see him, would look for _him_ , not her.

"But he....for him, it's Kairi. That's...it's alright. Right now, I just want to protect him."

All Namine offers is a gentle smile over her sketchpad before she sets it aside on the table, turning to face him with a hand over her heart. Only _then_ does Riku realize she hadn't been asking if he was _in love_ with Sora, and he was the one who gave that answer. Sheepishly, he looks to the floor, crossing his arms over his chest. But she's kind, gentle, she doesn't give him grief or tease him. She's _comforting_ when she speaks, hands folded neatly on the table before her as she finds the words.

"Kairi's heart...I know it like my own. Maybe because I'm a part of her, or maybe because her heart is my own, but...She cares about Sora. I know that much. She doesn't....She _can't_ love him the way you do, though. She just never said anything. And....it's not really my place to say why."

Oh.

_Oh._

Riku nods stiffly, eyes wide and struggling to process what Namine's told him. When they get home....Maybe he and Kairi should talk more, like they haven't done since they were kids. It seems like he's missed out on a lot, spending so much time being bitter about something he shouldn't have worried about. But, he thinks sadly, even if Kairi _wouldn't_ return Sora's feelings, that doesn't mean he has any chance of being the one Sora _does_ love. He's resigned himself to that fate, to being Sora's best friend.

"You should tell him. He deserves to know, and...You'll feel better when you won't have to carry that weight anymore."

Of course, it makes sense, she's right, and she doesn't push it. Riku merely nods, thinking it over for the moment. If only to get rid of the weight that sits on his chest, Riku would think about telling him when he woke up, when Riku was back to normal.

For now, he'll watch over Sora as he sleeps, and ensure that nothing else will hurt him.

* * *

"It's Riku...Riku's here !!"

Riku wants to pull his hand back, but the sight of Sora falling to his knees and _crying_ in relief makes him freeze. Even looking like this, like _him_ , Sora still recognizes his heart. How lucky he is, Riku thinks, to know someone like him. But he _promised_ , he swore he would never make Sora cry again, would never hurt him again, and Sora's _crying_ because of him, he's _happy_ to see him again, even when he looks like _him_.

"I looked _everywhere_ for you."

Riku's stomach turns slightly, and he looks away, eyes downcast and wishing he could hide away, hide the face he wore now. But Sora knew him, from the first touch of their hands, he'd known, and there was no more running, no more _hiding_ from that.

"I didn't want you to find me."

He'd taken on so much darkness, become what he was now, all for Sora's sake. He couldn't stand for Sora to have seen what he looked like now and turned him away, after everything he'd done. Riku couldn't stand the thought, it hurt so much he thought he might break from just the _thought_. But he should've known better, of course he should've known better by now. These are the first words he's spoken in his _own_ voice, it's so _jarring_ to hear in comparison to the voice he's grown used to. When he looks like this, the spitting image of Xehanort's heartless, the thought of his friends seeing him made his stomach turn. This, Riku thinks, is a new low. When he'd taken down the islands, he'd assumed that was rock bottom, that it couldn't get much worse.

But, as always, he just _had_ to keep digging. There was always lower.

He hadn't wanted to be found, and yet...they did it anyways, Kairi always was just as stubborn as Sora.

But he wasn't done with the darkness just yet. He still needed it, at least enough to finish this. He didn't know what would happen from here, if he'd be stuck looking like Ansem for the rest of his life. The idea makes him nauseous, having to wear this face for the rest of his life, a permanent reminder of all the mistakes he'd made, the people he'd hurt. 

But for his sake, Riku would brave the darkness just a bit longer.

* * *

"I want to get down to the water."

Pain and exhaustion nearly _overwhelm_ Riku, and he finds himself grateful for Sora's newfound strength. His legs can't support him, they feel like jelly, and he leans most of his weight of Sora's shoulders. _When did he get so broad ??_

It's not overt, wouldn't be noticeable if he hadn't been right up against Sora, his arm no longer excessively long compared to Sora's lithe frame, even despite his height advantage. Riku blinks a few time, hissing when Sora's knee brushes against his bad hip. He can't imagine the damage Xemnas did to it, he doesn't want to think about it. When he's shifted onto the ground, with a litany of quiet _'sorry's_ leaving him. Riku grits his teeth as he shifts his weight to sit comfortably in the sand, or as comfortable as he can get. His side throbs, and instead of sitting, he lays down, ignores the sand that he'll find in his hair later. It doesn't matter now, they might not see home again, so he might never get the sand out of his hair again.

But....Sora's here. Sora's _smiling_ at him. Riku thinks it can't be all that bad to be stuck here, with him. He's not alone this time. The light is here, _his_ light is here. The darkness doesn't seem so unbearable with Sora here.

"Hey, Sora....What I said back there, about being better at stuff than you."

Riku hesitates, looking over at Sora, who looks back at him curiously, waiting for him to speak. He wants to be more open now, to rid himself of the heartache he carries, to be _honest_ with the people around him, with _Sora_. Maybe not about everything, but right now....Right now he can start.

"The truth is....I was jealous of you."

He always was, the way Sora seemed to _radiate_ the kind of energy people were drawn to, the way he had been, and the way Sora had kept Riku wrapped around his finger for more than a decade. Sora just smiles, shaking his head and getting _more_ sand in his hair. Riku laughs, a small puff of air, but he smiles when Sora speaks.

"Well, I've got my fair share of problems, too. Like....Wanting to be like you."

Riku laughs, arms spread out on either side of him, eyes closed for a moment as he looks up into the inky black sky around them. If he's stuck here with Sora, maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world after all.

"Well...I've got something you could never imitate." _Something I'm lucky to still have after everything_.

Sora looks at him expectantly, and their hands are so close, Riku _swears_ he can feel their fingers brushing. His heart does a flip in his chest and he swallows thickly, but gives Sora the first warm, genuine smile he's had in a long time.

"Having you for a friend."

He means it, truly. Before Sora, he was lonely, shy, and Sora came into his life in a flurry of blue eyes and warm smiles, and ever since then, Riku hadn't known anything else. He hates that he was ever jealous of Kairi, but that doesn't stop another twinge in his chest, and he remembers what Namine told him.

_She can't love him the way you do._

For a moment, it goes silent, and Riku thinks, listening to the waves cresting against the shore. If they're going to be stuck here for who knows how long, he might as well be honest, be _really_ honest, get the weight off his chest and get properly rejected. Then, maybe he could start to move on. He clears his throat, getting Sora to look at him, and he tries to calm his racing heart.

"Sora, there's...something I have to tell you. I-"

Before he can finish his sentence, a bottle brushes against his foot, and he picks it up. Uncorking the bottle, he scans the letter inside. Kairi's handwriting, but....How did it get here ??

"I think this is for you."

With a bittersweet smile, he hands the letter over to Sora, trying not to jerk when their fingers brush slightly.

Sora reads over the letter, and Riku shields his eyes as a doorway of pure _light_ appears before them, blinking in the sudden brightness. It only gets brighter when Sora stands and smiles at him, framed by the door of light, holding his hand out to pull Riku to his feet. Riku takes his hand, and Sora slings his arm over his shoulders again, and Riku feels a warm, fluttery smile cross his face, he doesn't know how to describe it, but he'd liken the feeling, ironically enough, to _falling_ , falling without hitting much of anything.

Funny that they really _are_ falling, then, and Sora's laughing now, hands reaching out for him, and Riku can only smile in return. The falling is nice, he thinks.

He thinks that less when they hit the water and his skin stings, and he nearly screams at the pain that shoots down his leg and side. He doesn't, though, and manages to limp towards the shore on his own, greeted by their fiends who'd been waiting for who knows how long. Time didn't flow the same in the other worlds as it did here, so Riku couldn't be sure how long they'd _really_ been gone, how much time had truly passed. He catches Sora's eyes when Kairi holds out her hand for him, smiling gently, and something in his chest twists.

Kairi may not love Sora, but it's clear to Riku that Sora loves her.

Maybe he wasn't the only one with something to tell Sora. But he'd let Kairi say it on her own terms. Right now, all he wanted was to sleep for a week, and not move ever again. And for once, the universe complies, they're allowed to rest, to _breathe_ , to heal before the next adventure.

* * *

_17 and 16_

The Sleeping Worlds, Riku thinks, aren't much different than the ones he's been to in the real world. The only difference, he thinks, is the abundance of colorful creatures, the Dream Eaters. They're friendly, the colorful spirits, and they keep good company. Riku thinks he might go insane without them. His Komory Bat seems to agree, nuzzling up against the side of his head with a sound an awful lot like a purr. It's cute, and if Sora were here with him, he'd be freaking out about just how cute they are. He's certain that Sora's got more than a few Dream Eater friends of his own, though, which gives him some slight comfort. Traverse Town is quiet, for the most part, but not the kind of quiet Riku would normally find comfort in. The more he learns about the Sleeping Worlds, the more he _aches_ for Sora to be by his side. They've never been so far apart, in the same world but not at the same time. Two sides of the same world, that's what Joshua had said. He was here on one side of the portal, and Sora was on the other. Two different versions, two different _dreams_ of the same world.

That doesn't make it ache any less when he sees the _image_ of Sora before him, and on instinct, he reaches out to cup his cheek, but jerks his hand back instantly once he realizes he _can't_. Not only is Sora not here, but Sora wouldn't _let_ him. No, he can't let his emotions get the best of him, Sora doesn't _need_ that from him, not ever.

But it's _hard_ when no matter where he goes or what he does, he's always reminded of Sora, always thinking about him, longing for him. It's a strong tie, one that binds them no matter where in the world they may be. But Riku isn't an idiot, he _knows_ his longing is written plain on his face, it always is when his thoughts turn to Sora. The idea of him knowing, of Sora ever knowing just how _deeply_ Riku's feelings run, it scares him, scares him to think that Sora won't want him around anymore, scares him to think of rejection. He knows he's a fraud, that he should listen to himself, practice what he preaches. But he _can't_. Sora's already born so much hurt because of him, Riku can't bear to add anything else to that. He _won't_.

_I'd say you still keep a lot locked inside._

He does. There's so much Riku knows that he keeps locked away in his heart, stuffed so deep that no one but him would be able to find them. He keeps his secrets, they aren't hurting anybody, but somehow, someway, they always come to light. He wonders, then, how good a job he's _truly_ doing at keeping things hidden from the one person he _never_ wants to truly know his heart.

"There are just some things we have to keep separate from the world at large, at least until we have enough time to figure them out."

Esmeralda's words are soothing somewhat, and Riku meets her gentle smile with one of his own. Maybe she's right, maybe he doesn't have it figured out just yet. And even if he does, his feelings are his own, and he can share them if he wants to, or keep them until the time is right. Once this test is over, and he and Sora are _both_ Keyblade Masters ( because he's never once doubted Sora's strength, not ever ), they'll have plenty of time to talk. He decides that once it's all over, once Xehanort is defeated and the worlds are safe, then he'll tell him.

But for now, there are more worlds to wake, and keyholes to find.

* * *

Soon enough Riku finds himself in an all-too familiar place. It's Yen Sid's tower, but not as he knows it. And more curious, it's _flooded_ , a great stream of water flowing down the stairs and pooling on the floor. It's only ankle high here, but wet socks are uncomfortable enough, even if it's only in a dream. Shaking his head, Riku fights against the flow of the water, making his way up the stairs to where the water seems to be coming from. On opening the door, he's nearly thrown off his feet by a sudden wave coming from the room before him. In the familiar chambers, at the desk, sits...Mickey. But not the Mickey he knows, or the other version he'd met. This one is under a spell, waving his hands as if he were conducting a piece of music. He is, in a way, under a spell that can only be broken by what he called a Sound Idea.

Diving into music wasn't the _strangest_ thing he'd done, so naturally, Riku agrees to help him. What kind of Keyblade Master would he be if he turned down anyone in need of help ??

Inside the music, Riku finds himself in a forest, unlike any he's ever seen. He feels so small compared to the plant life around him, and he smiles. It's beautiful here, almost peaceful in a way. He wouldn't mind staying here for a bit, but he has a job to do. And with that in mind, he sets out. This world, naturally, is controlled by music, filled with it, bursting from every seam. The flowers grow, leaves turn, and plants part in rhythm. There's a field of flowers that light up in the dark of night, blooming like a wave of light across the ground. Riku feels his heart skip just for a moment at the sight of it, eyes widening as it seems to go on forever. It lights his way to the Sound Idea, and he can't help but brush his hands along a few flowers on his way. What he wouldn't give to show Sora this sight, the same one he saw, as the flowers bloom and glow around him. There's a song playing around him, he doesn't remember the name of it, but he wonders if it was the two of them, what kind of music would play for them ??

When he returns to the tower, he doesn't have to wonder for long. In another version of this world, Sora's found a Sound Idea, too, and they mix together, a melody and harmony unlike anything he's heard before. He watches them dance around each other, the warm tune lighting him up just the same way the flowers had, and Riku swears he might be glowing. If he closes his eyes, he can imagine that Sora's here with him, listening to it. He wonders what Sora would say if he asked him to dance, to the music _they_ made, together.

_Hearts in tune._

That does _nothing_ for the longing that's been building inside of him, and now more than ever, Riku _yearns_ to see Sora for real, grinning like a fool, all warm smiles and tanned skin and bright blue eyes. More than anything, he wanted to see him, make sure he was okay, tell him about all the things he'd seen, and hear about all the things Sora's bound to have done as well. He places one hand over his heart, feeling it fit to _burst_ with the affection he's holding, and he knows it's pretty plain to see on his face.

_I want to tell him how important he is to me. How much he means to me._

Riku thinks, when he's done here, he might do just that.

* * *

"Sora !!"

Riku's voice is panicked, frantic as he takes in the state that his friend is in. Sora's asleep, but it's not like normal. Riku can see the dreams he's chasing, calling him further and further into sleep, further and further into the abyss, into a place where Riku cannot follow him. It scares him, to see Sora asleep and feel like he can't do _anything_ to help him, to _save_ him. He reaches out, one hand wrapping around Sora's wrist, desperate to wake him up.

"Don't chase the dreams, Sora. They'll lead you nowhere. You have to wake up."

_Please. I can;t do this without you._

His words seem to have no effect, nor does his desperate shaking, pulling Sora's arm. It aches, twists his heart so much it nearly hurts to _breathe_ , but he can't focus on that right now. Not when he can _feel_ the darkness crawling in, and drop's Sora's hand in favor of facing it. A figure in a long, black coat, red piercing eyes staring at him from underneath its hood. Riku bares his teeth, sets his jaw, and calls forth his keyblade, facing the monster head-on now.

"You !! Are you what's keeping him in that nightmare ?? Because if you are..."

He trails off, ignoring the shape that seems to be _carving_ itself into his back now. It hurts, sure, but Sora needs him. That matters more than any pain he may have to bear. He raises his keyblade, adopting a fighting stance, eyes narrowed and Dream Eaters at his side.

"I'm what nightmares fear !!"

Whatever he had become now, it was for Sora's sake. Everything he'd done had been, the good and the bad.

Sora was his strength, always had been.

The nightmare falls, but Sora still doesn't wake. If anything, Riku is _sure_ he's only pulled further and further into this cursed sleep. For all his strength, all the power he was granted and all the things he'd learned, he still hadn't found a way to save him, to pull him back into the real world. He was still weak as ever.

Even with what he'd become-and what _had_ he become ??-Sora slipped though his fingers again. But....he'd taken the dive into Sora's dreams, hadn't he ?? So that meant....

 _A Dream Eater_. More specifically, he was _Sora's_ Dream Eater. Did that make him less than human ?? Riku wasn't sure, and he didn't have time to think on it too deeply. Sora needed him, now more than ever, and he couldn't let the Organization use him for whatever it was they were planning. He didn't want to think about Sora as a _vessel_ , soft blue eyes turned striking gold. The image made him sick.

Steeling himself, Riku looks towards the rest of the castle with a new kind of determination on his face.

He _would_ bring Sora back. The darkness would never be allowed to have him.

* * *

_18 and 17_

A heart-wrenching cry breaks Riku's focus, draws his attention back to Sora. It aches, deep in his chest as he makes his way to Sora's side, that inexplicable pull, the _link_ they share, and the sigil on his back vaguely burns to think about it. Sora's _crying_ , and it's like a knife to his chest. He knows. He knows, he's always known it was her. She was his light, his strength, his reason. Everything Sora was to him, Kairi was for Sora. It only made sense, Riku thinks, as he settles by Sora, kneeling in the dirt as he cries for the friends they just lost. But Riku can't cry. He won't let himself cry, not for this, not for Sora. Not that Sora didn't deserve it, but he didn't _need_ Riku's tears, didn't need his pity. But when Sora speaks, voice breaking in all the wrong places, Riku's heart breaks, and he sees the same little boy missing his father, afraid of the first storm to hit the islands the next week.

But this time, Riku will protect him. He will brave the storm, fight it back, if only to keep him safe this time.

"Alone...I'm _worthless_."

Riku's heart breaks for him, truly. How could he have been so _blind_ , relying on Sora's light to guide him all this time. It wasn't as if he was oblivious, or thought of Sora as something he wasn't, but it ached. It ached raw, open and throbbing on his heart, never healing. Instinctively, Riku reaches out, but hesitates, hand just inches from Sora now. He retracts, retreats, and stands, his keyblade in hand with a white-knuckle grip as he speaks.

"Sora. You don't mean that."

His only answer is another sob, and the Demon Tide is getting closer. If Sora can't protect himself, Riku will do it for him.

Staring down the endless swarm of Heartless, Riku steps in front of Sora, widening his stance, bracing himself, and he thrusts his keyblade right into the fray. Darkness and Heartless fly to either side of him, the violet waves licking at his skin like flames. His muscles burn with the exertion, and the darkness stings his skin like a nettle, leaving prickling pain in its wake. But he stands strong, despite his fading strength. Despite his efforts, despite anything, he is only _human_ , and can only stand for so long. But he _will_ stand as long as he can, buy Sora all the time in the world.

A soft gasp from behind him reaches his ears over the roar of Heartless flying past him. Riku feels like he's being torn apart, the stinging nettle darkness eating away at him, threatening to consume him, rip him apart and scatter the pieces. It hurts, and Riku _knows_ this was a vain effort. But he's held out this long, he can keep going, he's strong enough now. He can protect Sora, just like he always promised to. This time, he is not the storm, but the shelter, the protector.

Truly, he is the fool. The darkness pulls, eats, tears, _bites_ him away, takes more and more and more of him until there is so little left to take, all his careful strength collapsing like a rotten house. It hurts, only for a moment. And then, Riku thinks, he finds himself floating. In an in-between. It's dark, and quiet. He can't feel Sora's heart anymore. Absently, Riku thinks he's too tired to reach out, to tug, to pull on the link between them. He floats, in a dreary kind of purgatory. If this is the end, he thinks it might be as much as he deserves.

Faintly, he thinks he can hear someone calling to him, tugging, pulling him out of that place.

_Riku !! Answer me !!_

It's Sora. Sora's calling him, leading him, guiding him just like always. He listens.

When he opens his eyes again, he sees the Keyblade Graveyard, as if he hadn't left at all, as if he hadn't been killed, felt the darkness surround him, bite him, swallow him whole, or what was left of him.

Sora. Sora had saved him again, along with everyone else. Riku catches sight of it, their linked hands, and for a moment, his heart shrinks, a sad little thing in his chest. He loves her. Riku almost doubts what Namine told him, with the way they look at each other, he doubts everything he ever knew. He can't take this from her, can't take this from _him_ , can't ruin anything else in his life. Whatever he had felt, whatever he had thought, Riku tucks it away, close to his chest, under lock and key. No one can get to it, no one will ever see it, no one will know.

 _He_ will never know. Exactly the way it was designed to be.

But if Riku's eyes follow Sora's every movement as they make their way deeper into the Keyblade Graveyard, well....

That was his secret to keep.

* * *

"My whole journey started the day I lost her."

Riku thinks that might be the final nail in his coffin. He'd held on to the most futile hope for _years_ , when he never had a chance. So he keeps his eyes on the ground, trembling hands curled into fists to hide them shaking. Mickey gives him a sympathetic look, and Riku doesn't know whether he wants to laugh or to cry. It was always Kairi. 

It was _always_ Kairi.

He felt _awful_ , letting that bitterness creep up in his chest again. It wasn't her fault. She was his best friend, and Riku still loved her dearly, he wanted her home just as badly as Sora did.

...Maybe not _just_ as badly. That sends another pang through his chest. When they were younger, it had always been Sora and Riku, and then Sora and Riku and Kairi. Now, it was going to be _Sora and Kairi_ , with or without him. Sora deserves her, with her heart of pure light. She's good, she loves him, she won't hurt him. It only made sense for them to end up together. Everyone else could see it, maybe he'd been blinding himself all this time. Vaguely, he wonders if he only _pretended_ to take the blindfold off back then, or if he'd replaced it with something else. Either way, he hadn't been able to see the whole thing.

And underneath the sadness, Riku feels _anger_. No, no not anger. He's resigned, tired, and...maybe a little _annoyed_. He can't stand the idea of losing Sora again, can't let him go where Riku can't follow, not again. Fear grips him, he knows there's a chance Sora may not come back. It aches in his chest like a hollow thing, empty and numbing and nauseating. A world without Sora wasn't one he wanted to live in, not by any stretch, but...Riku also knew better than to fight Sora once his mind was made up. He lifts his head from the ground, giving Mickey a sad smile this time, one that doesn't reach his eyes, kneeling down to the king's height as he speaks.

"Let him go. His heart and his mind are already made up."

Riku can't tell if he's talking more to himself or to Mickey now, but he says it anyways. The look on Sora's face, so stalwart and serious, Riku couldn't deny that Sora cared about Kairi, maybe more than she knew. He knows that look, he's worn it before. That's what makes up his own heart and mind.

And Riku lets him go, with a smile and a nod as Sora stands before a swirling portal.

"Now believe in him."

But it's not without a second meaning, Riku says it as more, he _means_ it as more. But he knows it won't be understood, nor will the second nod and the lingering look he gives Sora, holding his eyes for a second too long before the boy disappears into the portal before them.

_Come back home. Be safe, please._

_I love you._

* * *

"Riku !!"

His head jerks up so fast, his neck vaguely hurts, and before Riku can register what's happening, a bundle of brown hair and energy crashes into him, knocking him flat off the trunk of the tree. He'd come out of _nowhere_ , and he can barely gather his thoughts enough to realize that _Sora's here, he came back, he's real-_

"Sora ??"

The boy picks up his head and laughs, and Riku's eyes water instinctively. Sora catches on and his hands ( warm and real, calloused from battles that shouldn't have been his to fight ) are on either side of Riku's face, wiping tears before they could fall. Riku's own hands settle on the junction of Sora's neck and shoulders, breath hitching in his throat as he feels Sora under his hands. This is _real_ , not another sick nightmare he's been having. His hands don't go through Sora, they settle on his shoulders, pale skin in stark contrast to Sora's sun-kissed skin. Riku laughs wetly, allowing himself this moment to be happy that his best friend is back, they're _both_ back.

"Where's Kairi ??"

Sora gives a thoughtful hum, shifting to sit on his knees in the sand now, a goofy grin on his face. Riku's heart can't help but skip a beat at the sight, cheeks red under Sora's touch, so warm he's sure the other boy can feel it by now. When Sora speaks, it's quiet, but fond, tender, gentle. He can't tell who it is who invokes that tone.

"She's okay. She wanted to talk to Namine."

Riku nods dumbly, sniffling still, but unable to stop smiling. Sora was here, Sora was home, Sora was _alive_. That's all that mattered now.

"Aren't you two....??"

Riku makes a vague gesture with his hand, even _he's_ not sure what it's supposed to mean. Sora catches on though, perceptive little thing he is, and his cheeks go red, and he shakes his head. Riku could swear his heart stopped, that _time_ stopped. He'd been wrong. He'd been wrong, and Namine was right. Maybe he should thank her after this, but later.

"N-No !! I mean.....I love her, of course. But she's....She said I'm not her type."

Riku can't suppress a slight snort, though he regrets it when he realizes his nose is plugged up slightly because of his crying. It was so very _Kairi_ to say it like that, so to the point that even _Sora_ couldn't misunderstand her. He nods in understanding, thumb idly tracing over the side of Sora's neck, wanting to _feel_. 

"Besides, e-even if she _was_ into me, she's not...."

Riku pauses his hands, head tilted to the side in confusion when Sora trails off. It's unlike him to be so shy, and in the light of the setting sun, Riku notices that Sora's cheeks are redder than before. He's so shy, and Riku's warm, fluttery smile comes back, one hand cupping Sora's jaw gently, forcing the brunette to look him in the eye, all the warmth he has settling there.

"She's not what, Sora ??"

The confession comes, so soft and quiet, Riku swears he could've misheard him, or even imagined it. His thumb brushes over Riku's cheek and Sora _shudders_ , breath catching in his throat at the gesture. Riku's trembling now, in the shadow of the sun, almost afraid to accept this. He's grateful when Sora fills the silence, nervously rambling, but his hands don't leave Riku's face as he listens, trying to process it.

"....She's not _you_ , Riku. I-I realized it a long time ago, when we closed the door to darkness. I-I wanted to find you again, more than _anything_. But it didn't really click until....until I watched you _die_ for me. I-I saw you face off against the Demon Tide, and I realized....I could lose you without telling you the truth. I did, and I was, _so_ desperate to find you, to tell you how I felt, but then Kairi disappeared, a-and I couldn't leave her, and I thought...I thought I might not get to tell you that I..."

Sora pauses, seeming to gather his thoughts, and Riku's breath catches.

"...That I love you."

The breath he didn't know he was holding was let out shakily, Riku doesn't realize he started crying again until Sora's expression becomes concerned, worry turning his brows down and making Sora take his lower lip between his teeth again, always chapped for that reason.

"I-If you don't...feel the same, that's okay. I just knew I couldn't hold it in anymore. If you want, I can-"

"No !!"

Sora jumps a bit, and Riku frowns, holding Sora's shoulder tightly. He pauses for a moment, and a smile blooms across his face as he speaks, something he didn't think he'd _ever_ have the chance or the nerve to do all these years. His sentence is broken up by incredulous laughter, like he can't believe this is real, that the boy he's loved for most of his life loves him too, that he's really home, really _here_ , that he's been wondering and hoping and wishing Riku would feel the same, and how could he not ??

"Sora, I...I've been in love with you since we were kids."

Now it's Sora's turn to take pause, and Riku watches _fondly_ as Sora's brain tries to process what Riku just said, and he idly traces the chain Sora wears around his neck, waiting for it to sink in that _yes_ , Riku's been in love with him for as long as he could remember. When it does, Riku can't help but laugh, and he feels guilty when Sora cries and pouts, but it's so adorable that he can't help but laugh, even when Sora huffs and looks away from him. Gently, Riku's hand guides Sora's gaze back to meet his, smiling fondly as he speaks.

"I'm sorry, Sora. How can I make it up to you ??"

Pretending to think about it for a moment, Sora giggles, pressing his forehead to Riku's, talking lowly as if it was truly a secret, just for the two of them.

"Kiss me."

Riku doesn't give him a response, instead leaning in to press his lips to Sora's. It's soft, sweet, messy from the fact that they were both crying, but to Riku, it's _perfect_. A gentle warmth spreads through him, settling in his chest and making his heart skip a beat, and he only leans back when he _has_ to, albeit reluctantly, and Sora grins at him, laughing loudly as he does so. It makes Riku laugh too, the giggle fit dying out after a few moments. Riku starts to break the silence that settles between them hesitantly, briefly glancing back up to the paopu fruits at the top of the tree, but Sora shakes his head, resting his cheek on Riku's shoulder and closing his eyes.

"I don't need a fruit for our fates to be intertwined. I love you, and you love me, right ?"

Riku takes a beat to think about it, but his answer hardly needs thinking about, it comes right from the heart, voice gentle and quiet.

"With all my heart, Sora."

**Author's Note:**

> literally as i was finishing this, i had the brilliant idea of changing the ending, plus this ended up being WAY more from riku's pov than i intended but what can you do ?? i'm not entirely happy with the ending but if i keep tweaking it i won't ever finish it. anyways, if you liked this 10k word monster of soriku, leave some kudos and maybe a comment !!
> 
> until next time, see ya space cowboy !!


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